- You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
- It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
- Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
- Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
- Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
- If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
- Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
- A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
- Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.